Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
