Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
