I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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