It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
