capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
