Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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