Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
