I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
