ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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