No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
