His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
