is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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