she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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