Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
