I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
