ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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