In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
