worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
