Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
