I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
