I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
