Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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