he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
