go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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