Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
