My sheets look like a crime scene.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
