I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
