I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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