i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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