I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
