oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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