Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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