Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
