I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
