Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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