we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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