um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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