in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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