How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
