i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
