fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize