Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
