Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
