R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
