I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
