Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
