zippers are such a cool invention
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
