The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
