You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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