Im at strip club and am horny
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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