I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
