I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
