like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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