Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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