You just made me feel so damn special
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
