If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
