I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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