dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
