The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
pray to the hookup gods
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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