i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bring me that man meat
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
